On my 46th birthday I find myself continuing the weather the most challenging storm of my life, grieving the unexpected passing of my wife and mother of my daughter less than 90 days ago.
The question I get a lot is, “So, how are you doing?”
This is by all means a fair and relevant question.
As I’m finding, there is no perfect thing to say or way to “be” with someone who’s grieving. If the question or action comes from a place of sincerity, it offers support.
Today I want to help answer the “how are you doing?” question for myself, and possibly others who have or will go through these same trials.
I feel defeated and helpless. I feel angry, cheated, scared, and uncertain.
I feel that joy will be all but impossible to find again. I feel I can’t possibly do what I have been charged to do in my wife’s absence.
All of this I feel with the intensity of a million suns.
But, I don’t believe any of it.
Through these recent trials, I‘ve learned that feelings and beliefs are related, but vastly different.
In understanding these similarities and differences is where I’ve found my initial path forward.
Feelings are often an “in the moment” emotional response to our perception of an event. They’re accompanied by an intense hormonal or neurotransmitter “hit” that immediately impacts how we feel and think.
When someone compliments me, I feel validated.
When someone insults me, I feel defensive.
Whether we perceive these feelings as “good” or “bad”, they help us learn, understand, and respond to navigate the emotionally complex world we live in.
For this reason, feelings aren’t inherently “good” or “bad”.
Beliefs are foundational to we are.
They are formed through years of interactions, contemplation, and experience.
They provide a lens through which we see the world.
They drive core motivations.
When they’re forged daily by what you do, say, and think, they get stronger.
Beliefs can only change through a focused and intentional process.
Think of feelings as a hotel. Your beliefs are your home.
When an atomic bomb goes off in your life, it sparks a perpetual nuclear reaction of feelings that scorch the earth of your previous reality.
You feel as if you are irreversibly fractured.
Your core beliefs are the only place you’ll find the blueprint to rebuild.
As my beliefs have been pressure- tested these last few months, I’ve discovered which guide my life, and which are fleeting feelings in disguise.
Despite what I feel right now, I believe my life has a purpose and that purpose is for my family and I to live extraordinary by helping others do the same.
I believe that challenges are necessary to grow.
I believe attention to my family’s health gives us the strength to endure our purposeful journey.
These and similar beliefs are where I find the energy not to “move on”, but to “move forward” through a raging storm of feelings.
If you’ve ever experienced a tragedy, you realize that any forward movement is a small miracle.
It’s not what well-intending slogans and motivational platitudes would paint it to be.
You don’t feel like Rocky running up the steps. In reality, you can feel like you want to leave this world.
Moving forward is slow, grueling, and you feel like you’re not moving at all.
Waves of feelings crash over you unpredictably and burry you with the weight of a poured concrete.
If you are aware of your beliefs and have lived and trained them daily however, you can accept these waves as feelings.
You fight your way to the surface, take a breath, and keep moving forward.
Sometimes forward movement is falling.
Sometimes it’s crawling.
There are even times when it’s running and jumping.
Some days, “forward” is returning a phone call.
Others it’s getting out of bed before 10am.
In any case, it’s better than the day before and one step closer to taking ownership of your future.
That is, if you believe owning your future is important.
Now that I’ve hopefully answered the “how are you doing?” question, I hope it’s OK to ask you one. If you feel that writing back with an answer helps you, please do.
Or, I urge you to spend a moment considering the following:
What are your core beliefs?
Do you “train” them every day in what you say, think, and do?
If you were sworn to silence and someone observed you for a week, would they be able to identify these core beliefs?
Do these beliefs provide the fuel and conviction allowing you the life you want to live, even if life as you know it changed overnight?
As I have found, these beliefs are your most important asset. They guide you, protect you, and give you the energy to live the live you believe you must.
