This week it will be one year since I lost my wife and mother of our daughter suddenly due to a heart abnormality that had never been detected.
After the first 365 days of what will be a lifelong journey with grief, today I want to share what I’ve learned so that if you are in the darkness of loss, you may find some light.
I’m not sharing this from a place of “I’m such a positive person that I’m making this tragedy into a learning experience”.
I won’t be injecting any motivational slogans or empty platitudes.
What I share with you today comes from a place of raw experience and observation.
I visited Hell this year.
Here’s what’s helped me on my journey home…
It’s OK to Feel, (Even if it doesn’t feel good)
There’s no such thing as a bad emotion. All emotions help make sense of our complicated human experience.
When our experience doesn’t make any sense though, emotions have to learn.
You must let them.
The emotional storm of grief is nightmarish, but…
When you let honesty rule your emotions, you don’t get caught up in the “feeling about the feeling”.
“I’m embarrassed because I’m sad”
“I’m angry because I’m scared”
“I’m guilty because I’m happy”
When you allow yourself to feel without judgement, your emotions learn.
You perpetually set a new functional baseline for happiness, sadness, and everything in between.
Eventually you reach a point where being in tune with how you feel brings more clarity than confusion.
It’s through this process that you learn the difference between feelings and beliefs.
Feelings are where you travel.
Beliefs are your home.
Take good care of your home.
No matter how lost you feel during your travels, you’ll remember where you live.
The Power of Habits
Years ago, I got to spend the day with the Navy SEALS and watch them train in Coronado.
Their instructors explained that they trained so hard every day because in the chaos of war, training is all you have.
Every day of our lives we’re “training” by repeating habits related to what we do, believe, and think.
If you’re like me, you have some habits that are good and some that are bad.
The good ones make you stronger over time, the bad ones make you weaker.
In the first few months after my wife passed, the lifeforce that has driven discipline and self-control in my life had never been weaker.
In the chaos of tragedy and grief, I’ve never felt more like defaulting to my bad habits.
But…
Thankfully I have trained a handful of good habits so intentionally and consistently for so long, they couldn’t help but take over.
They happened on autopilot.
I can share with no exaggeration that the body and brain strengthening habits I’ve trained my entire life are the reason you are hearing from me today.
The moral of the story is not about discipline in the midst of grief.
Truth be told, I’ve never had less.
Through this I learned that it’s what you do in times of peace that bring you strength when life becomes war.
Don’t wait to bring good habits into your life.
The Power of Community
A good friend will make you laugh when you’re down.
A great friend will let you cry.
In the hours after Lisa passed, I wanted to grab my daughter and crawl into a hole.
Word quickly spread and droves of friends sat vigil outside our home.
My phone was flooded with texts.
As I comforted my daughter, there was nothing in those moments, or in the thousands of moments after, that could bring us peace.
But…
The communal feeling of love you receive from prayer, presence, and the universal connection you have to those you truly care for is real.
It’s OK to not want to be with people physically when you’re hurting.
I learned though, it’s important to allow yourself to feel that their there.
Someone recently told me that “Grief proves that love is more powerful than death”.
In the last year, our community in California, Oregon, across the nation and around the globe has served as a constant reminder if this.
We’re grieving because we loved Lisa and she’s no longer with us.
We loved her though because of the lasting impact she’s had on all our lives.
I know I’m not alone in the happiness she brought to my life, and I know I’m not alone in grief.
This has brought me peace.
I will, just like you, continue to learn for the next year and years after that.
I hope sharing what I’ve learned in the last 365 can act as a candle when darkness surrounds you.
